Returning to Me

I come and go with my musings and moments of inspiration. I casually wander around in both the mundane and versatile details of the life I breath; along dingy city streets or any countryside densly popoulated with colorful greens and trees. The sight of nomads backpacking, mom-toting babies on their daily walk among quaint homes, bucolic churches or plush green feilds converging into a blue sky—they always pull me.

When it comes to my fine art, I am equally committed and inconsistent on any given day. I am bound to urgent napkin notes and envelope poetry…though less scatter brained, as I can now thought broadcast into the memo of a smart phone. Except it’s been too many days since I have stilled myself in a space and moment to capture and memorialize any part of this life. It’s not easy being me.

I carry this brain and this heart and these hands and on more than once or twice a day, these feelers and seers nudge me to take note of, hold remembrance too, take pause and immortalize the givings and misgivings of the day. And these past few weeks, I’ve had plenty. I continue to walk in lessons and impending victories. At times I am self aware enough to dialogue through the doubts and the discoveries.

But I know one thing for sure, no matter how busy or self occupied, the letters of the alphabet are always calling me. They implore me to shuffle them into mixed media and prose imagery. It is the strongest desire to run free in the expanse of vocabulary that perpetually haunts me. I feel I will implode if I do not give in to the fulfilling of the release. I have to give my words away. They do not belong to me. Time and time again, with the simplest expression, a caption, a thought given away via any frequency…this is confirmed for me. There is someone always in the point of need and I meet them with a soliloquy.

Which leads me always to one sound conviction: He gives me words to fill-full His thin-skinned vessels and all the beautiful, bruised and beloved ones. I am among the humans He uses to scribe messages of light and love and beauty. Of hope and inspiration, and fragility. He funnels and filters and flows through me. What a heavy blessing to bear; truly a brilliant burden, to blend faith with sentiment to bind beings and their belongings with brave words in the brevity of any moment. And I wouldn’t pass it over ever. I know, I am called to lay all the breathtaking, beauty and benevolence down. I am called to write.

erm…It is Well

My Issue with Blood

We will ask God
She said
We will seek His face on your behalf
That He would extend his generous grace upon the flesh of you
That He would make all the skin and bones that would propel you
Yet maintaining your humble spirit
Healed and whole

We will ask God
She said
We will appeal to His heart
to make a blessing of your infirmity
to touch you there ever so softly
to heal the feeling of your anxiety
to tuck comfort in your ability to choose trust
Swallow your mustard seed Beloved,
You are always well

We will ask God
She said
To remind me...
As if all that we bring and all that we bear
Did not come from His yes and His Amen
But it is a blessing too when He does not agree
Because we know He who ordains our expected end
will carry us through it
And it is perfect
Clearer than our eye can see
Louder than our ear can here
More magnificent than our heart can contain

We will ask God
She said
He already heard 

This poem was inspired by a darling, faith-full believer, who upon my (unconfirmed) news of having fibroids, responded with: We will ask God. And for whatever reason, her resolute answer inspired me to poetry. 

WARNING! Some real adult/womanhood content follows.
Anyone who reads me knows, I like to find things interesting. And I find it rather interesting that (as women) our issues flow from and through our bodies by blood shed. That our dark wombs can and will create substance of our issues and purge them out from us as blood. Interesting, that from our private spaces, unknown and unseen; from our vaginas, our infirmaties or impurities flow free.

Having experienced the heaviest and most uncomfortable menstruation of my entire life, I have never been more clear on the value, purpose, impact, and meaning of my vagina! Yup, that's what I said. To think that my issues--flow from my body--through my coochie! This one thought really encourgaes me to further scrutinize who and their issues I will allow to enter into my sacred, self correcting body. 

WORTH MENTIONING! This past month has given me an entirely new perspective on an unnamed woman in the Bible, referenced always as "the woman with the issue of blood".  While I did not suffer the stigma of being "ceremonially unclean", I certainly felt a hint of what the weight of her socail isolation could have felt like. And while I have not suffered this condition for years, my two to three weeks was more than I wanted to bear. 

It is not a good feeling to have zero control over what and how your body changes/reacts through natural causes. And it could be a stuggle adapting to a new normal. But I will not let it be. I took my time to decide that surgery is the best option for me. I will take my time to recover. And I will continue to appreciate that as I go through ups and downs, along the way, I can still be inspired to write. 

erm... It is Well

The Women Before Me and Our Demons

Saint or sinner
Saints or sinners
Pick your poison
Offer a prayer
How many of them
went to Heaven for me...

I think I thought to think...that I only, was the one adulteress in the lineage of my feminality, only to discover a distinct pathology of self-righteous infidelity. 
I sat to think and thought that only I, had committed the heaviest of sins and deviated from a heritage of holy sanctuary, to give away a sacred body to another mortal whom did not belong to me. Only to discover over hard drinks and sweet tea, that the wiles of me were innate, a passive transgression from the women who bled heavy long before me. 

Not that I want to give away the secrets buried with the dead or the secrets under the bed of the alive, but these demons were at the bedside of my creation, breathing heavy for me, long before I closed eyes, to form lips for a first kiss. But I would be remiss if I did not mention, I have a notice for every demon that would come to demean us, me. 

Notice to proceed--away from every corridor around my feet, every breath of air near to me. Flee! From my time. From the corners of my womb's memory and the daughter who came from within me. An eviction notice I give, to that which comes to perpetuate a promiscuous misery. To stir the extravagance of messy sheets and fantasies later draped in melancholy, for love is never birthed from unrequited affinity. 

All that to say, it is true, we repeat histories and destinies; nothing is new under the sun or the soft fall of rain. The curses are not far behind the generations to come; we owe the liberty and beauty of transparency to every daughter coming into her self-reality. The women before me, how many of them went to heaven for me? Them, seated up there in the right hand, interceding for me. Love is ahead. 

erm...It is Well

Ways to Healing & Happiness

Because every broken heart needs mending, 
every hurting spirit needs healing and
every wounded women needs wholeness. 

Healing and Happiness are your birthrights. 
Along the road to healing and happiness, here are a few things you can do and a few ways you can be to stay on your best path. 

1. Be grateful for your feelings! 
Why? Because your feelings are for you. They belong to you and they serve you. Your feelings urge you and remind you; they prompt you, they pause you. But most importantly, they connect you to your Father God. God is touched by the feeling of your infirmity. He is touched by your tears, your heartbreak. Imagine, the condition of your heart, your sad countenance--conditions Him. He feels for you. And like the wonderful, compassionate Father, comes down from His throne to comfort you, to champion for you, and to contain you. 
Your feeling is how healing comes. God is the source of your ultimate healing and wholeness. However once you have honored and processed them, get out of your feelings and get into your future. Make it happen for yourself: moment by moment, faith to faith. 

2. Do not be angry; do not be bitter. Be amiable; be beauty--to yourself. 
Because when you forgive yourself, you get freedom. Freedom to be you! The God-made you not the man-said you. Contrary to popular belief, you will never run out of your essence. It is impossible to give your whole self away. You have not run out of love. You have not run out of kindness, compassion or devotion. These are your primary ingredients; your purposeful fillings. Remove the decay and clutter from the years of living, to uncover the original you. You are sweet and deserving. You are beauty unparalleled, You are more than amazing. You are altogether beautiful, Beloved. There is no flaw in you. You are priceless. Literally. 
Stand on that truth. You are worth life and loving. Develop an inner scripture to affirm so. (i.e. I am the beloved child of God. I am one with my undivided love). 

3. Do not look back. We are all familiar with the unfortunate end of Lot's wife. Stuck...
We are not called to live in the tombs of our memories. We are not called to dance in the shadows with fallen ghosts. We are not called to envy the visions of yesterday, nor make pretty a painful past. We are called to live every moment--in the moment. 
Cliche: Now is all you have. But it is. So Now--happiness. So Now--laughter. So Now--celebrate. So Now--love yourself. So Now--savor your soul. So Now: joy, vacation, new choices, appreciation, different perspectives...schedule your pleasures Now.
So NOW--not I can't wait until... 

But NOW. Put your Needs Over your Wants and be well! 
Needs Over Wants. You Need five essentials to survive:
Air--breathe, inspire yourself daily. Look to the things that inspire your life, your love, your creativity, your happiness. And breath them in. 
Shelter--guard your heart. But do not close it. Do not block it. Guard it but let life flow through it. You can handle it. Be your safe haven. 
Water--hydrate your body. Soak your spirit with living water. Plenish your soul with the spiritual practices to keep you balanced. 
Food--eat right. Energize yourself. Eat the foods that boost your health and energy. 
Sleep--rest. Rest your weary self. Rest your whole self to restore your whole self. You deserve to recuperate to be ready to keep living. 

erm...It is Well

To Every Woman who Marries a Baby Daddy

Now I realize, that some have become accustomed to my usage of a special type of rhythm, a distinct type of flow, a manipulation of language that consequences the senses. But every once in a while, I gotta shed poetry, and remind a person or two, that a chick is straight out of the Brooklyn zoo! 

Because now that we are recycling men, it has become evident, there are matters that need to be addressed from a woman to a woman. I want to be kindly authentic in my delivery and give it to you hardcore raw. Cause a man can't impart this to you like I do. 

Woman, allow me to remind you, what you are called for. You are a pillar and not of salt--but of purpose. You are the pillar of strength, creativity, passion and sweet feminine authority. You should know you have the audacity and capacity to influence and drive your man. Yes you do. You are the help meet, the extraordinary flesh and bone of him, deliberately created to surround him, aid him, provide his succor and gird him. So let me break that down for you. 

While you for your man, you not about his foolishness. You pull him out of every muck and mire that would try to overtake him. You are in agreement with your man's agenda, but not when his agenda hurts his platform, his heritage or his destiny. You are called to hold him up, especially at those moments when he wants to trip and fall over the menial stuff. You don't stoop down with him in the gravel. You are an inspiration, inspire him to breath higher. 

Because he who finds a wife, finds a good thing--and you are a good thing, practicing good things, producing good things, giving good things to your man! But it doesn't stop there. He finds you and obtains favor from the Lord. Not the kind of favor that prefers one kid over the other. Nor the kind of favor that encourages the mistreatment of the innocents. (The children are always the innocents). But the kind of favor that blesses, serves, loves and protects.

Therefore Woman, when the man you call husband, wants to withhold time, emotions and tangible items from his seed, do not encourage that! 

When the man you call husband, who is called father, uses his mouth to degrade the mother of his seed--within the ears of the seed--do not justify that! 

And when the man you call husband, honey, "bea", "boo", undermines the character of the woman who furthered his progeny, do not support that, protect that or participate in that! We ought not shelter ignorance.

Because don't ever get to thinking you are some-kind-of-special, like umm a unicorn, that you can't one day catch it! That it--is not a formula made just for me. You are not exempt from his rage and wrath just cause you running the water for his bath--tonight. Don't think when he get ready to exact revenge, it will over look you or pardon the seed that fell from you...Stupidity does not discriminate. What you don't correct in him, he will give to you, eventually, ultimately, sooner than maybe. 

And furthermore, don't think you are better than me. You're not. You are a different me. It's just your turn to learn and tame the beast that would want to claim him and destroy you, eliminate your family. 

So on Sunday, when your husband, aka baby daddy wants to send his son home in the same clothes he arrived in on Friday, un-laundered--down to the undergarments--think about how much love you are demonstrating when you facilitate that transaction. (Not to mention the lesson of hygiene you are giving him).

And next Friday, when your husband aka my baby daddy pisses you off--don't misplace that anger or that smart mouth on my boy. Keep your adult aggression and conversation in the bedroom with your boo. Again--think about how much love is in that transaction. (Not to mention, the lesson of conflict resolution).

Or on any random day, if my boy should hit the nerve your husband been trampling over--you know, cause the boy is being a kid--do not discipline him. You can't lay down the law if you don't lay down the love! 

And finally, when you feel a little overwhelmed, a little disgusted, a little-whole-lot like you want to give up, because you might after a night of arguing about the same ole thing...don't disrespect yourself or your man in the presence of my son. Don't give that to him. Because everything you are doing is an imprint in my son's roadmap to manhood. 

So Women, since you voluntarily marring baby daddies--stay in your role. Stepmom--step up your love. Step up your patience. Step up your compassion, step up your faith, step up your kindness, step up your attitude, your decision making, your conflict resolution, your homemaking skills...Step up in your virtues. 

We are neither pigeons or chickens as some would purport. We are eagles soaring, mounting our wings to help each other up--and that includes the baby mommas!  

Sincerely, 
Your Husband's Baby Momma

erm...It is Well

A Few Lessons 2017 Gave to Me

Seven being the number of completion and eight being the number of new beginnings. It seems apropos. Happy New Beginnings. But first to celebrate the things completed. 

Last year taught me that I can be and I will be exactly what I say about me. No really. I had a few goals here and there, set a few intentions--and I saw them manifest. I met them. I lived in them. I continue to learn this lesson: I will have what I say. I like this lesson. Be mindful and intentional with the words you let our of your mouth. They become your shelter or your storm. 

Last year showed me, we, as women, are still hiding. Still little white lying about things that really matter to us for fear of looking "some type of way." What's wrong with looking some type of way? A different way. A strange way. An uncommon way. An artistic way. A desperate way, a vulnerable way, a confused way, a still figuring-it-out way. What is wrong with telling the truth and looking your way--whatever it is at the moment. Nothing. Because if you don't like the way you are being or looking, you can put away those childish ways. You can put away those selfish ways. You can put away those unattractive ways and be a God-inspired way. You can. Be as you are, in your truth, remembering there is a super to balance your natural.  Always!

Last year challenged me to be more self-aware and grow more emotionally intelligent. We are living, moving and having our being with other beings. And those other complicated beings, at any moment on any day, can be experiencing the highest point or lowest point of their being in the midst of us. Our beloveds, coworkers, friends, mutual strangers, estranged family members...can be walking around with a magnitude of problems, nervous energy, worries, ailments and anxieties. If we are not paying attention, we are missing opportunities to tap into our sensitivity. We are missing the moments when it is necessary to touch someone or help someone or save someone or just relate to someone. Consider you are God in the shape of a human. He expresses His deepest compassion and His most highest elation through a mere mortal such as you. How does it feel to be liken to an angel? You are an effect or an impact. 

Finally, 2017 reminded me to be encouraged. To stay encouraged in all things. We may plan, hope and mis-anticipate. We will get unhappy endings and undesirable results. We must. And we must get in trouble--sometime. How else do we come to know His present help? But remember, a long time ago, someone prayed for us to apprehend how wide, long, high and deep His love for us is. Somebody spoke over us to be filled to capacity with all the fullness of God, who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. There is no room for discouragement when we are filled to the brim with Him. 

And these are just a few of the lessons I got from 2017. What important lesson learned will you bring along into your 2018? Share!

erm...It is Well

Endure Love

because my heart
is not my weakness
I will not care-less 
and though that cup runneth over with
suffering and distress
heartache and bitterness  
leaving me drunk from a sullied love
I will not stop
even slightly
less longer than
a moment
I will resist caving
in nihilism
but a prisoner of hope
I will persist in loving

Because despite everything and all things that would come to pause our hearts and stop us in our tracks...we must still love.

Because despite and in spite of the heartbreaks and the mood aches, we will again awaken to love. We must answer the call to love. We need be the love we are born of. 

Do not let your heart be weakened by the words or the deeds of another who could not love you to full capacity or overflow in the fervor of your love. Do not let your heart be so troubled or dismayed by the lost ones who came to find rest in you for a short moment. They came to leave you with a lesson or two. You are the originator of your love. Their ghost cannot diminish the love fulfilled in you. Love on. Love up. Love in. Because love does, you too can endure.  

erm...It is Well