My Issue with Blood

We will ask God
She said
We will seek His face on your behalf
That He would extend his generous grace upon the flesh of you
That He would make all the skin and bones that would propel you
Yet maintaining your humble spirit
Healed and whole

We will ask God
She said
We will appeal to His heart
to make a blessing of your infirmity
to touch you there ever so softly
to heal the feeling of your anxiety
to tuck comfort in your ability to choose trust
Swallow your mustard seed Beloved,
You are always well

We will ask God
She said
To remind me...
As if all that we bring and all that we bear
Did not come from His yes and His Amen
But it is a blessing too when He does not agree
Because we know He who ordains our expected end
will carry us through it
And it is perfect
Clearer than our eye can see
Louder than our ear can here
More magnificent than our heart can contain

We will ask God
She said
He already heard 

This poem was inspired by a darling, faith-full believer, who upon my (unconfirmed) news of having fibroids, responded with: We will ask God. And for whatever reason, her resolute answer inspired me to poetry. 

WARNING! Some real adult/womanhood content follows.
Anyone who reads me knows, I like to find things interesting. And I find it rather interesting that (as women) our issues flow from and through our bodies by blood shed. That our dark wombs can and will create substance of our issues and purge them out from us as blood. Interesting, that from our private spaces, unknown and unseen; from our vaginas, our infirmaties or impurities flow free.

Having experienced the heaviest and most uncomfortable menstruation of my entire life, I have never been more clear on the value, purpose, impact, and meaning of my vagina! Yup, that's what I said. To think that my issues--flow from my body--through my coochie! This one thought really encourgaes me to further scrutinize who and their issues I will allow to enter into my sacred, self correcting body. 

WORTH MENTIONING! This past month has given me an entirely new perspective on an unnamed woman in the Bible, referenced always as "the woman with the issue of blood".  While I did not suffer the stigma of being "ceremonially unclean", I certainly felt a hint of what the weight of her socail isolation could have felt like. And while I have not suffered this condition for years, my two to three weeks was more than I wanted to bear. 

It is not a good feeling to have zero control over what and how your body changes/reacts through natural causes. And it could be a stuggle adapting to a new normal. But I will not let it be. I took my time to decide that surgery is the best option for me. I will take my time to recover. And I will continue to appreciate that as I go through ups and downs, along the way, I can still be inspired to write. 

erm... It is Well

The Women Before Me and Our Demons

Saint or sinner
Saints or sinners
Pick your poison
Offer a prayer
How many of them
went to Heaven for me...

I think I thought to think...that I only, was the one adulteress in the lineage of my feminality, only to discover a distinct pathology of self-righteous infidelity. 
I sat to think and thought that only I, had committed the heaviest of sins and deviated from a heritage of holy sanctuary, to give away a sacred body to another mortal whom did not belong to me. Only to discover over hard drinks and sweet tea, that the wiles of me were innate, a passive transgression from the women who bled heavy long before me. 

Not that I want to give away the secrets buried with the dead or the secrets under the bed of the alive, but these demons were at the bedside of my creation, breathing heavy for me, long before I closed eyes, to form lips for a first kiss. But I would be remiss if I did not mention, I have a notice for every demon that would come to demean us, me. 

Notice to proceed--away from every corridor around my feet, every breath of air near to me. Flee! From my time. From the corners of my womb's memory and the daughter who came from within me. An eviction notice I give, to that which comes to perpetuate a promiscuous misery. To stir the extravagance of messy sheets and fantasies later draped in melancholy, for love is never birthed from unrequited affinity. 

All that to say, it is true, we repeat histories and destinies; nothing is new under the sun or the soft fall of rain. The curses are not far behind the generations to come; we owe the liberty and beauty of transparency to every daughter coming into her self-reality. The women before me, how many of them went to heaven for me? Them, seated up there in the right hand, interceding for me. Love is ahead. 

erm...It is Well

Love Defined

Love; the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. When we grow, it is because we are working at it, and we are working at it because we love ourselves. It is through love that we elevate ourselves. And it is through our love for others that we assist others to elevate themselves. 
Dr. Scott Peck

Unfortunately (or fortunately) as life would have it, I did not discover this meaning of love until the year I filed for divorce. And truth be told, I was in no shape to walk in this definition of love with the husband I had chosen for myself.

Funny thing is, it was until I filed for divorce did I become insatiably hungry to know the true meaning of love. I scoured myself with biblical texts and old words from sages and monks, eager to apprehend the thing called love. We've done such a fine job of tainting it--I wanted a clean, pure meaning of it. And the search continues to confound me, yet fill me full. 

I often wonder if and when I will walk out this meaning of love in my own life. That is not to say, I am not in love everyday with myself or my children, but it is to say, I wonder when I will live into this love with a mere mortal man who is inspired by God. Only time will tell and only God knows. Though I believe in my heart, He didn't endow me with with the power of love only to keep it. Inevitably, I will return it. 

What say you on the meaning of Love? 

erm...It is Well

Permission to Launch

If you are reading this, it is because I have finally given myself permission to succeed. 
I have been birthing and nursing this site for almost three weeks. Every week I claim intently, I'm ready to launch! But right beside the claim, creeps in doubt and I get distracted with thoughts of what are YOU going to think when you see this place.  What will you say when I let you into my secret space? So I rearranged it a few too many times trying to anticipate your reaction to my flowers, my words, my design, my endeavors...Tonight I let go. 

To be completely transparent, I attempted to build this site almost one year ago. At that time, I found the process to be too complicated for my simple mind and I abandoned it. I told myself I would find someone to create and design a site for me. I shopped around for a while but never committed to any prospects and held on to my excuses.

But a very interesting phenomenon unfolded for me while procrastinating (yea I do that too). I discovered, desperation can lead to tremendous creativity.  And after attending one, two, five book events, I realized I no longer had the luxury of not having a cyber space. So every day, from midnight to the wee hours of the morning, I worked at setting up shop. Why my creativity chooses to flow free at night--I can't explain. But this here--is the product of diligence and sleepless nights. And if I do say so myself, it is worth it!

Let me add, if there is something you are working on, a vision or project you are birthing, an idea you are stagnating in procrastination, get desperate about it--and watch how your inner know-how leaps into action. Tap into your creativity. Tap into your determination. Sit patiently in the stir of your inspiration...and taste and see what boils over. It will be worth it!

But as for here and now, thank you for reading me. Please peruse the place. Take your time. After all, I did create the place with you in mind. Before you leave, share your thoughts. I'd like to know how the experience is for you. 

erm...It is Well