Remembering Mickie, Entry Num. 1: She

She bid us farewell some Sunday’s ago and life has been surreal ever since
Sunday’s have a stigma now that sting me upon every awake
She lives in memories and dreams
and it seems unfair that even there
she is too distant,
far too removed from my touch or my teeth—
I can’t feel her or taste her with any words…so I bite
She is becoming a collection of vagaries
my mind can’t seem to park on one main thing concerning her—
her shaved head, freckled face or turquoise finger nails
She is all smiles in my intentional reveries
but there are moments when my mind’s eye recalls
her decadence and misery
It was hurtful to watch her slip slow into a solemn slumber
But peace was upon her when I last saw her body
at rest
empty of her personality,
void of her struggle,
expired from her pain,
a mere husk of stolen vitality
It was cancer that snatched her from me,
from sunrises at arm’s reach, from downtowns and beaches,
from sisters’ night out and patient privileges
from human love and familiy
It was cancer that took her victory
Leaving us with only her name on our lips
convincing ourselves if we pretend long enough
the missing of her will disintegrate into our fabrics
but never seep through our skin
when the wretched truth is
we are concaved
searching for meaning in our own living
meaning to live in our mourning
looking for joy to remove our weeping
when remembering stops hurting
and Sunday morning’s are just another day to pray

erm…It is Well
#RememberingMickie

My Issue with Blood

We will ask God
She said
We will seek His face on your behalf
That He would extend his generous grace upon the flesh of you
That He would make all the skin and bones that would propel you
Yet maintaining your humble spirit
Healed and whole

We will ask God
She said
We will appeal to His heart
to make a blessing of your infirmity
to touch you there ever so softly
to heal the feeling of your anxiety
to tuck comfort in your ability to choose trust
Swallow your mustard seed Beloved,
You are always well

We will ask God
She said
To remind me...
As if all that we bring and all that we bear
Did not come from His yes and His Amen
But it is a blessing too when He does not agree
Because we know He who ordains our expected end
will carry us through it
And it is perfect
Clearer than our eye can see
Louder than our ear can here
More magnificent than our heart can contain

We will ask God
She said
He already heard 

This poem was inspired by a darling, faith-full believer, who upon my (unconfirmed) news of having fibroids, responded with: We will ask God. And for whatever reason, her resolute answer inspired me to poetry. 

WARNING! Some real adult/womanhood content follows.
Anyone who reads me knows, I like to find things interesting. And I find it rather interesting that (as women) our issues flow from and through our bodies by blood shed. That our dark wombs can and will create substance of our issues and purge them out from us as blood. Interesting, that from our private spaces, unknown and unseen; from our vaginas, our infirmaties or impurities flow free.

Having experienced the heaviest and most uncomfortable menstruation of my entire life, I have never been more clear on the value, purpose, impact, and meaning of my vagina! Yup, that's what I said. To think that my issues--flow from my body--through my coochie! This one thought really encourgaes me to further scrutinize who and their issues I will allow to enter into my sacred, self correcting body. 

WORTH MENTIONING! This past month has given me an entirely new perspective on an unnamed woman in the Bible, referenced always as "the woman with the issue of blood".  While I did not suffer the stigma of being "ceremonially unclean", I certainly felt a hint of what the weight of her socail isolation could have felt like. And while I have not suffered this condition for years, my two to three weeks was more than I wanted to bear. 

It is not a good feeling to have zero control over what and how your body changes/reacts through natural causes. And it could be a stuggle adapting to a new normal. But I will not let it be. I took my time to decide that surgery is the best option for me. I will take my time to recover. And I will continue to appreciate that as I go through ups and downs, along the way, I can still be inspired to write. 

erm... It is Well

Ways to Healing & Happiness

Because every broken heart needs mending, 
every hurting spirit needs healing and
every wounded women needs wholeness. 

Healing and Happiness are your birthrights. 
Along the road to healing and happiness, here are a few things you can do and a few ways you can be to stay on your best path. 

1. Be grateful for your feelings! 
Why? Because your feelings are for you. They belong to you and they serve you. Your feelings urge you and remind you; they prompt you, they pause you. But most importantly, they connect you to your Father God. God is touched by the feeling of your infirmity. He is touched by your tears, your heartbreak. Imagine, the condition of your heart, your sad countenance--conditions Him. He feels for you. And like the wonderful, compassionate Father, comes down from His throne to comfort you, to champion for you, and to contain you. 
Your feeling is how healing comes. God is the source of your ultimate healing and wholeness. However once you have honored and processed them, get out of your feelings and get into your future. Make it happen for yourself: moment by moment, faith to faith. 

2. Do not be angry; do not be bitter. Be amiable; be beauty--to yourself. 
Because when you forgive yourself, you get freedom. Freedom to be you! The God-made you not the man-said you. Contrary to popular belief, you will never run out of your essence. It is impossible to give your whole self away. You have not run out of love. You have not run out of kindness, compassion or devotion. These are your primary ingredients; your purposeful fillings. Remove the decay and clutter from the years of living, to uncover the original you. You are sweet and deserving. You are beauty unparalleled, You are more than amazing. You are altogether beautiful, Beloved. There is no flaw in you. You are priceless. Literally. 
Stand on that truth. You are worth life and loving. Develop an inner scripture to affirm so. (i.e. I am the beloved child of God. I am one with my undivided love). 

3. Do not look back. We are all familiar with the unfortunate end of Lot's wife. Stuck...
We are not called to live in the tombs of our memories. We are not called to dance in the shadows with fallen ghosts. We are not called to envy the visions of yesterday, nor make pretty a painful past. We are called to live every moment--in the moment. 
Cliche: Now is all you have. But it is. So Now--happiness. So Now--laughter. So Now--celebrate. So Now--love yourself. So Now--savor your soul. So Now: joy, vacation, new choices, appreciation, different perspectives...schedule your pleasures Now.
So NOW--not I can't wait until... 

But NOW. Put your Needs Over your Wants and be well! 
Needs Over Wants. You Need five essentials to survive:
Air--breathe, inspire yourself daily. Look to the things that inspire your life, your love, your creativity, your happiness. And breath them in. 
Shelter--guard your heart. But do not close it. Do not block it. Guard it but let life flow through it. You can handle it. Be your safe haven. 
Water--hydrate your body. Soak your spirit with living water. Plenish your soul with the spiritual practices to keep you balanced. 
Food--eat right. Energize yourself. Eat the foods that boost your health and energy. 
Sleep--rest. Rest your weary self. Rest your whole self to restore your whole self. You deserve to recuperate to be ready to keep living. 

erm...It is Well

Love Yourself to Life

A message to all wonderful women:

All this talk of love yourself, honor yourself, care for yourself, but what does that look like?

It looks like you waking up every morning, looking into your eyes in the mirror and being grateful that you can look into your brown eyes in the mirror and see a face of innocence and wonder, life in the making
without judgement.

It looks like gently, handling, cherishing and accepting your body
because you yourself deserve your tenderness,
your heart deserves attention from you,
your heart deserves kindness from you,
you deserve forgiveness from you;
Above all you deserve a second chance from you, or a third, or fourth...

It looks like you thanking God for your face, your smile, your neck; 
your breasts are not too small, they’re not too big, they are perfect as they are.
It looks like loving the sway of your waist, 
the feel of your thighs, the arch of your feet.
You really are made perfectly, relax into your body.
It looks like loving the curves of your body, 
loving the lines on your body, 
accepting the wrinkles on your body, 
forgiving the flaws on your body;
Cause it’s the one body you’ve got! 

Touch yourself and hold yourself as you would your lover, 
take your time, discover yourself, learn yourself, affirm yourself.
Bring your broken, marred self back to the potter’s house and let Him mold you again.
It looks like looking back at where you were and looking now at where you are and thanking your angels for carrying you thus far and further.

Have confidence in, believe in, continuously; 
your paths, the distance, the course
to your condition, your transitions and your destinations.
All the ways you arrive belong to you and will work to your becoming,
your ultimate self.

Loving yourself to life looks like gratefulness, carefulness, and appreciation for everything; 
It looks like feeding yourself with the foods that nourish your body, 
lend longevity to your heart, 
and drinking the spring water to quench your soul.
It looks like resting your head on a clean bed of soft sheets,
keeping your atmosphere uncluttered and orderly to encourage your inner peace.

Indeed, your love looks like: 
resting in the grace working around your life.
Your love looks like letting love and light beam through you.
Your love looks like enduring resilience and everyday surrender.
You love looks like you learning to trust in your divinity.

And finally it sounds like you repeating these words to yourself daily:
I know myself as love. I am love.
I know myself as loving. I am a lover.
I know myself in love. And I am my lover.

That is your call. That is your purpose. 
To reach love, teach love and be love only.

Sincerely,
erm

erm...It is Well

Letter to the Young World

Dear Young World,

You don’t know me and I don’t know you. And that is fine. But I used to be you once upon a time…ago. I was fresh, born out of love, thrust into the world, with trust clenched in my left hand, and innocence in my right. I roamed Earth radiating beauty, purity, aliveness and security. The world, a delightful mystery. Little did I know, I would attract things to me that would jade my fortuity and mold my reality.

      I cast my pearls to swine who could not behold me, couldn’t appraise the jewel in me, castrated my thoughts, my sanity; everything that founded me. Allured by the difference in me, tempted to touch my peculiarity, but in the end, they would never remain to contain the vast wholeness of me. It’s a sad story—a short one too. Thereafter, roaming Earth looking for that specific someone to restore all the things lost in the one who came before. A cycle that would orbit until we descend to the bottom of Earth, six feet below and lower. But Beloved, you are not called to this end.

      Young world, I wish I could fast forward you to your latter years. Don’t let this fall on deaf ears. The treasures they hold far outweigh today’s troubles untold. Your new world is such a wonderful sight to see. When you re-member with your original identity. Your natural integrity. Your authentic reality. This is but one ripple in your beautiful, blue sea of eternity. Wade into the water, baptize yourself clean. Change your vision and speak your desirables. You are far more capable than imaginable.

      From my heart, I implore you to set aside the weight that does burden you. And liberate yourself from a love that chokes you. And before you speak, tis easier to say than do, know that you have the power to create and command the quality of life that suits you. It only requires an abandon of everything that does not serve you. A loyalty to your higher being and the pure love you were birthed through—should be what you bring back to you. Relinquish what is not yours, to receive what is designed for you. You will continue to struggle with what is because you won’t have it. But you will never change it. And all your strength will never force it. You will gain more with your malleable might when you rest with what it is and surrender to what it is not.

      Young world, I speak from the other side of you. I speak from tried and true. And I speak to the future you. You have been broken open to contain more love than you will know what to do. But in the todays that you have now, honor yourself, love your life, savor your youth. Attend to your heart’s healing and your emotions’ mending. Protect your sacred spirit. Define your journey and the marvelous love story you will someday recount to the younger you. What you seek is attainable, just not in the direction of your short-sighted view. Look ahead young world. See yourself ahead. You are beloved! You are worthy of everything made by the King. 

Sincerely, 
A Wiser You

erm...It is Well

Grace for Your Grace

His unmerited favor.
Unearned, baseless approval; divine assistance. 
Enabling power sufficient for progression...

Your elegance and your beauty of form. 
Your charm and attractiveness. Your manner, your ease...

Consider this Beautiful--yes you! What have you put your grace through? Your beauty, your body, your charm,  your youth, your kindness, your forgiveness, your mercy, your patience, your understanding, your quality, your favor? What has your grace been loyal to? 

Where did His Grace carry you from? Where did His protection deliver you?  Where did His mercy pardon you? Where did His charity cover you? Where did His favor bless you? Where did His grace love you?

Darling, you have been the possessor of Grace all along. 

erm...It is Well

Permission to Launch

If you are reading this, it is because I have finally given myself permission to succeed. 
I have been birthing and nursing this site for almost three weeks. Every week I claim intently, I'm ready to launch! But right beside the claim, creeps in doubt and I get distracted with thoughts of what are YOU going to think when you see this place.  What will you say when I let you into my secret space? So I rearranged it a few too many times trying to anticipate your reaction to my flowers, my words, my design, my endeavors...Tonight I let go. 

To be completely transparent, I attempted to build this site almost one year ago. At that time, I found the process to be too complicated for my simple mind and I abandoned it. I told myself I would find someone to create and design a site for me. I shopped around for a while but never committed to any prospects and held on to my excuses.

But a very interesting phenomenon unfolded for me while procrastinating (yea I do that too). I discovered, desperation can lead to tremendous creativity.  And after attending one, two, five book events, I realized I no longer had the luxury of not having a cyber space. So every day, from midnight to the wee hours of the morning, I worked at setting up shop. Why my creativity chooses to flow free at night--I can't explain. But this here--is the product of diligence and sleepless nights. And if I do say so myself, it is worth it!

Let me add, if there is something you are working on, a vision or project you are birthing, an idea you are stagnating in procrastination, get desperate about it--and watch how your inner know-how leaps into action. Tap into your creativity. Tap into your determination. Sit patiently in the stir of your inspiration...and taste and see what boils over. It will be worth it!

But as for here and now, thank you for reading me. Please peruse the place. Take your time. After all, I did create the place with you in mind. Before you leave, share your thoughts. I'd like to know how the experience is for you. 

erm...It is Well